COVID-19-Support-Vuneralblities Exposed

This is not how I envisioned launching my blog! Everytime I thought I was ready to prepare & publish my first post, the highlight I intended to focus on changed. So the title of this post speaks for itself. I will be addressing COVID-19 from multiple view points; as a wife, a mother, the daughter of 2 senior citizens, a customer of stores who are assisting us with our everyday needs during this disaster and a healthcare professional. This topic will likely be in multiple parts as we are, as of this date of 4/10/2020, on week 3 of the state of Maryland having ALL SCHOOLS CLOSED! I will address what my role has been as a healthcare professional, and the steps I’ve had to take to ensure my home and those who live here are protected! I will also address something that I typically have, for the most part, had under control and that is managing anxiety. I’m staring it in the face and it does not feel good. The roll out of my blog was to have fresh edited content before I published anything. Well, you are gonna get my inner thoughts-uncut and raw. Don’t worry, I don’t intend for the content to be juicy or dramatic, but I will expose my inner thoughts about every aspect of how I’m managing day to day life. I will break this up into sections and publishings depending on the length and nature of the topics.

There is no social distancing in direct healthcare

HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL-So let’s just dive in, shall we? I want to first thank all healthcare workers & additional essential workers who are on the front lines. We all have some heavy decisions to weigh each time we step out our doors and go to work. If you are reading this I ask you to please pray for them. I am a Physical Therapist Assistant & work under the supervision of a Physical Therapist. I have in the past worked in nursing homes, but I’ve always been partial to providing services via home health, where we as health care professionals provide care to others either in patient’s homes or in Assisted Living Facilities or nursing homes. This setting is much more intimate as we are guests in our patients’ space. Let me be honest for a second. Like many others, I did not initially take this outbreak seriously. I can think of some major reasons why, but I digress. It wasn’t until schools begin to close. And once I heard that DC and Fairfax was closing their schools, shit got real. And it happened much faster than I thought. I silently panicked inside. I wasn’t too concerned about my 12 year old son, Ivan. I was trying to figure out what the hell would I do should these daycares close because I have two daughters, 5 & 1! When I began to draft this blog, my 5 year old, Antoinette was still in daycare & my youngest, Janiva, is still in daycare. For now, I’m able to continue working & serve others because others are serving us and other parents by helping us with childcare. I can’t afford NOT to work! Just like much of the rest of America. For the first time in a long time, I became anxious, scared & I felt alone. I’ll discuss that later.

The weekend of the 3/14/2020, I, like many other colleagues of mine, were hit with phone calls from patients and/or their families, stating they wish for us NOT to provide services at this time until this blows over. Ok…#1 their request is to be respected. They have rights. #2, in honoring their wishes, as clinicians, the more that patients tell us not to come, the less OUR paychecks are. This is what I am having to monitor daily. I don’t try to coax them into letting me come through, as they could very well be protecting me. This is where anxiety began to play a role. If I’m not working due to the patient’s turning me away, I cant afford to pay for childcare, which is in fact allowing me to work in the first place! I thought I was going to address this next subject later, but I can segway right on into it from here.

SUPPORT-This particular topic will be possibly the longest. I’m honestly afraid to take the time to share with anyone one on one, my anxiety because we are all fighting this same fight. But something else hits a bit deeper. My mother lived here in 2016/2017 while my husband was deployed to Korea to, for 1, prepare to stay here indefinitely, but 2, to assist me with my children. My husband has been deployed before & with 3 of those deployments, it was just my son and myself. Then due to disagreements, my mother decided to move back to Alabama. I can’t explain the heartache that followed.(another topic for another day). One thing I have no issues admitting is regardless of any disagreements we had, I remained humble enough to know I still needed her. I mean…it’s my mom! I have always tried to be mindful of verbalizing my stresses on others. I’ve always had the mentality, “ I don’t need anyone for this! I got this!” “Others have been through(or are going through) worse”(than whatever my current situation may be at that particular time). My days of thinking I could do it all, ended years ago, even though I continued to act in a manner that I needed no one. I knew the importance of needing support. However, once I began to understand this, after my mother moved away, I felt abandoned. I had no one to turn to. Eventually, I broke & cried. I needed my mother. I needed a friend. I needed her support, and she’s not here. As my husband has completed extensive therapy at Walter Reed in March addressing what he has known as TBI or traumatic brain injury and PTSD-post traumatic stress disorder, he was unable to assist everyday per usual & I had extra duty.

I don’t want to express my fears about how I’m dealing with COVID-19 to just anyone because, wouldn’t that be selfish? I can’t or won’t vent my fears of anything on others personally because the few rare times I felt I could, resulted in me being rejected. I continue to wish my mother were here. She made her choice & it’s respected. So, for now, this is my safe space. Surely this is no replacement for the support I need, but I at least have some type of opportunity to get this off my heart. It’s not like I can go out and make an appointment to see a therapist at this time.( i think I can, actually, telephonically ) It’s during times like this I need my mom. But for now, my intent is to focus on serving my community through my employment in attempts to distract from the anxiety I’m feeling. I figure if I bury myself in my job, I don’t have to focus on my anxiety. I don’t want to burden anyone because I’m not the only one. I’ve been able to hide my worries and stresses all my life so well that I believe it comes as a shock to many and even burdensome when I in fact do have these rare moments of completely feeling like I have no control & simply want someone to care enough to give me the biggest bear hug & tell me it’ll be ok. It’s as if since I’ve always been able to weather turbulent times in my past without wincing, it’s continually expected that I should weather turbulent times. When people’s behavior towards me is one of blatant avoidance, it’s very hard to process it because I’ve always been very mindful who I open up to in the first place,which feeds what I’m aware of as an unhealthy cycle. This leads me to not knowing how to address my fears and anxiety without feeling I’m either being a burden or selfish for making it known or feeling too insignificant for people to even give a damn. Everyone’s situation is unique to include my own.

When it comes to support systems, I often observe how others have such a great ready community of support & I’m saddened because I truly wish I had that type of support during times like these. People often tend to raise an eyebrow when I mention that I don’t have many friends. I take the words, “friends” and “family” very seriously because I understand the responsibility & weight of them. I dare not use them lightly simply because of my own experiences. People are often surprised of my need for support. It’s as if, since I seem to always have it together, when I present that I, in fact, do have challenges, it’s a total shock! Strong people & those who often present to be strong and “put together” all the time need support too. It’s funny because I’ve always made myself so readily available for others but I can’t say I’ve received that same sentiment. Being fully aware of my coping mechanisms, I typically just suppress my challenging mental moments because I’ve chosen to …out of fear. It’s always during unfortunate times in my life, over the past few years, I’ve learned who’s got my back and who simply say they’ll have my back because it sounds good. And to be honest since people will judge me anyway, why not just be as truthful as I can be. Everyday isn’t gonna be love and light. I’m fully aware of how blessed I am. I’m fully aware that these times are temporary, but there are pressing matters that are staring me in the face and to pretend I’m not bothered is more unhealthy. People will judge you regardless, so why not openly accept this version of you & release out of your system things that aren’t serving you? Cry, scream, pray, write…But get it out of your system!

FINAL THOUGHTS… “Support” will be a short series as it’s a multi faceted topic. I was actually quite reluctant to share this as particular blog. Even a sense of guilt arose. But I also want others to not fear expressing how you feel because of how you may be perceived and to understand that your emotions are valid as you process them and hopefully work on getting to the root of why you may carry certain emotions with you. And for those who don’t know me intimately, you’ll soon find out there’s a back story regarding “support”

I’m actually quite afraid about right now for my own personal reasons. I imagine that this is challenging for EVERYONE, not just me. And WE ALL have a backstory. So for anyone to pass judgement on how myself or others who share similar concerns this moment in time, you are the very reason many feel reluctant to ask for help. This may seem to be a “low vibrational” topic, but it’s real & I’m working on a learning curve about how to not feel ashamed about voicing my fears or frustration or simply needing an ear or a hug. If you are blessed enough to have a network of support during these uncertain times, please cherish them & recognize the blessing of having a cohesive support system. Just to be clear, I’m not saying I have no support whatsoever. I have my husband & my babies & sister friend that’s close but not local. But as a woman, who is, believe it or not, quite the introvert, I’m aware I’m lacking the support I need at this time. I don’t have the relationship/support from my mother I need & I have no sisters, so I over compensate in trying to create relationships with women whom I feel are gifted with the wisdom I wish to emulate. What are ways you are coping during this time? Who are you able to lean on for support? What are your most immediate concerns as we all face this crisis?
#mentalhealth #COVID-19