Sisterhood-Growing a Foundation

Everyone’s perspective on how a particular thing should be varies from person to person. I never realized how important having a support system was until I hit a brick wall that screamed at me, “QUIT TRYING TO DO IT ALL!!!” There were MANY areas I needed support in my life-when my husband got deployed for the 3rd time and it was just Lil Ivan and I. Whenever I’d attempt to schedule some “ME” time, & once I secured a sitter, I would be asked ignorant questions like, “Does he whine a lot” or “Is he a momma’s boy?” To which I would reply, “Never mind! I think I’ll just stay home.'“ or magically my plans would change and I didn’t need that sitter after all. As a very protective parent due to the nature of my family dynamics, I be damned if I place my only child, at that time, in the hands of someone who clearly seems perturbed by a toddler who typically is always under his momma because his mom feels guilty doing anything for herself while one parent is already away serving and protecting this country. My dad would often ask, “Why aren’t you part of a support group with other wives whose spouses are deployed?” My answer, “I don’t need any support! I got this!” And I had my own stereotypical views of military spouses and I simply didn’t want to be bothered.

As the years tarried on, I began to learn more and more how absolutely vital it is to have support, whether it’s support of a specific group such as those within the military community, or familial support when spouses are away and you just simply need the presence of family to help you feel grounded and ease any anxiety, or support of other women that may fall in various categories of need-be it mentor-ship, entrepreneurial, or simply friendship. And this is where this blog is highlighted. Over the course of MANY years, I have had the pleasure of being a part of some great female friendships, however over those years, I began to notice things that were subtly out of place with a particular friendship. I began to notice many instances of jealousy or those who would like clockwork, try to “one-up” things that would occur in my life. I would ignore these nudges of “keep your eye on this” because, surely I was trippin’. I could dive deeper but I’ll save that for another date. I’m not one of the competitive nature.( to which this particular individual actually did state she was competitive with others regarding other people’s goings on and the like!) I actually couldn’t believe she said this out loud. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard! I honestly don’t understand people who feel the need to compete with others whom they claim they are friends with or try to force someone to like something they think is superior when a particular thing may not be that other person’s liking. This relationship that I assumed was special had indeed been riddled with years of jealousy and competition and although I had seen it coming so long ago, sadly, but necessarily, it had come to an end. I had given up on my need for developing a relationship where another queen & I could glean from one another and pour into each other, the support of women, ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN, need during these interesting times!

And just to be more clear, before I go any further, no matter how a relationship continued or ended, I don’t regret any time spent or devoted to them. As I’ve mentioned in the “about” section of The Butterfly Effect, I believe ALL things are purposed & are to be used as tools & lessons to reflect, evaluate self, how we treat others & enrich our lives as we exist.

Managed to muster up a smile after cycling! 2011, Killeen TX, Gold’s Gym

While, in Tx, as I was an avid gym rat, I had befriended a beautiful Sistah, named Dia. We were surely each other’s accountability partners. I mean no matter the weather or goings on in our lives, meeting up at the gym was our go to! Many people mistook us as sisters, as we were the same height, same complexion, shaped quite similar-small waist and thick hips & thighs& we were beasts in the gym!!! To be honest I can’t even remember why we didn’t keep in touch but after my husband & I moved to MD, Dia and her family eventually moved to MD as well!!! I couldn’t believe it! We had touched bases in 2016 and met up & caught up. I had unexpectedly really missed this sistah! But as life began to consume me, having now a 3rd child, and work life, and managing home, I couldn’t spend time with her as I had desired. I needed THIS friendship.This is where I began to really evaluate support systems.

Dia after our regular cycling class! 2011, Killeen, TX, Gold’s Gym

In June 2017, my life hit a brick wall. During what seemed like one of the deepest valleys in my life, I learned alot about family & myself actually. I had some shadow work to attend to.(discussion for another day) And in that learning, I had no maternal support, I didn’t really have any female friends I could turn to that knew the historical nature of my life and family except for 1 other individual and when I needed that particular someone, who I assumed would at least be an ear, my greatest fears & nightmares became reality. Per my nature, I had always made myself available to those I considered dear, and to my dismay, those who claimed that I was as important to them as they were to me, did not reciprocate that same energy.(I’m still evolving with this one) All the people I had made sure I was there for during their times of need and trials and turmoil had literally left me alone. This kinda goes back to me never really asking for help for fear of rejection. Typically, whenever I had troubles, almost no-one would know because I didn’t want to burden others. My smile was what the world got. I mean, who was I to disturb others with my drama? When it would surface I was going through, I would get asked why I didn’t reach out for help & I would readily explain I don’t want to drain anyone. This suppression became unhealthy, but I digress from that topic. I learned a great deal about my family, so-called friends and myself. One of the major things I learned was to admit that IT IS OK to reach out for help.(Boy that takes strength-well for me anyway) But how on earth do I do that? I had no maternal support during my pregnancy with my youngest child, Janiva, or no friends to support the emotional ups & downs I was facing with post-partum and continued family drama. I have always been a person who has never wanted to dump drama to anyone that I may have had going on in my life, because I didn’t want to be THAT person. So this is where I adopted the whole “I GOT THIS! attitude and never took the time to truly learn and understand the need for support. Then I realized, this moment of solitude in my life, where I felt abandoned, was indeed purposed(took me a couple of years to figure that out). The most uncomfortable shit ever, actually. I was so defined with needing others to keep me company, “just because”, I didn’t truly take any real opportunities to learn who I, myself, had actually grown into, individually. One thing I learned is how extremely important it is have women friends or “sister friends” as another diva I know calls them. It was only just about a year ago that I’ve just recently been able to understand & articulate why there was a longing for needing that female support & wanting to cultivate this kind of relationship. Although that’s another discussion for another day, it stems from my childhood.

As time had passed, my friend Dia began to weigh heavy on my mind. Not that I sensed anything was wrong, but I needed that fulfilling female to female relationship in my life. But something within me felt like she may feel slighted by me because every time she’d try to plan something, I could not make it-either Big Ivan simply wanted to be home and rest as him still being Active Duty is taxing in it of itself. I’d want to hang out but working full time and managing 3 kids with 1 being a toddler is also energy consuming. I am always on the go, literally due to the nature of my job and on the weekends, Ivan & I simply want to LITERALLY BE STILL!! And since my work hours were so demanding during the week & Ivan carried a big load with much of the kid duties, when I had down time, I wanted to ensure I was with family. How do I create space for the very thing I know I need outside of my family? During all of my life drama, I lamented to Ivan I have no close female relationships. I kinda felt like a school girl complaining I had no friends. I had no clue how to cultivate this very important thing I knew I needed. I have made friends, true enough, but Dia and I have history & you can’t tell me her happening to be in MD while I’m here isn’t coincidence. And then I reached out to my friend in a way I haven’t reached out to another before(this reaching out was out of growth and realization of understanding that if I need support in the way I’m feeling, surely other women feel this way too). I asked my friend specifically these simple yet complex questions…"Where do you see yourself a year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from? Where in those areas do you need support? And could I be of any assistance for those areas?”

I’m not sure why I felt prompted to ask that of her. It was quite random actually. However, I truly meant every word of my inquiry. And she responded with a completely honest answer about her future in addition to responding about our friendship. It was right here, the opportunity to cultivate our friendship was at hand. She had the same ideas regarding having a closer friendship but she felt I may not have been as engaged as she was wanting me to be and I understood why. I immediately set up a lunch date so we could catch up. We both are seeking the same things. We both understand having women support is valuable and vital. My sister Dia, has a sweet spirit. She isn’t one who is in the business of trying to be better than anyone or compete. She doesn’t feel the need to flaunt what she has to define who she is. She doesn’t have to feel like she has to be the one to do something 1st between us as competition. Through much unavoidable self reflection, I learned once it’s apparent that someone feels the need to compete with me or try to be the one upper, I become overwhelmed with questioning why. I’m just not that type of person who feels the need to appear as something I am not. Once I begin to notice this with past relationships, family or otherwise, when I would try to ignore it, God saw my heart and he knows I’ll ignore people’s flaws to maintain relationships(for the sake of simply having company or out of having history). And typically a head on collision would follow because I failed to heed given warnings signs. I learned my thought pattern & behaviors were toxic & I was so fearful of feeling lonely, I would literally ignore the red flags but I didn’t realize it until the few close relationships I once had ceased to exist. Except with Dia. It felt odd explaining what I was seeking with someone other than my husband, but I was led to express this with Dia. We are 2 very different black women, with very different lifestyles but, with a simple common goal- UNDERSTANDING THE NEED FOR SISTERHOOD.

I don’t have any biological sisters & don’t really have any close female family relationships either. However, it isn’t because the effort hasn’t been put forth. I have also noticed occasionally I do become very reluctant and withdrawn when I get a wiff of something being off. But then I typically release those uncertain thoughts and move forward ignoring what I’m sensing. The outcome is never good(sighs). I’m a giver of chances, oftentimes, too many, but, that’s the nature of my heart. I know I’m not perfect so I give people as many chances as I think I would need. As introverted as I am, I love people. I cherish any relationship that has any depth. Even when I see the worst in someone, I always make great attempts to find the good. We are all human & I’m not perfect. I am aware I am going through a transition in my life where I am ok with sharing I need support. I always felt that my needing support from others was a burden, and when it was blatantly expressed as such via a female family member and one whom I mistakenly considered my closest friend, I had happened upon a self fulfilling false prophecy. I had reached a place of growth in my life that I had not realized during those tumultuous times and didn’t recognize it as such & didn’t know how to respond to the new lessons I was facing. It seemed so much of my life was falling apart these past few years…but as I’ve told a few people, those dark times I experienced were actually necessary. The only person I literally could depend on was my husband. But his level of understanding of what I needed only went so far. So I had to dig deep and be really honest with myself about where I needed to grow. He did, however, encourage me to attempt to create the very thing I was seeking. My response was simply I didn’t know how, especially after being abandoned by those I considered the closest. I was literally afraid to have anymore friendships. Then, something in my heart told me to reach out to my sister, Dia. I’m so glad I did. I am excited to take you on our journey in the future. I told Big Ivan, my husband, that this year, our children and I will be obtaining passports and I intend to have my 1st stamp in my passport book with my sister Dia as we are hoping to plan our 1st mommy/sister vacay out of this country once covid ceases to exist. Nowhere too far, but far enough to be out of country and grow in our sisterhood.

Torres Family, 1st Annual Christmas Celebration, 2016, Upper Marlboro, MD