What MY "SELF-CARE" Looks Like-Part 3- BOUNDARIES!! My Trifecta-Introverted Empath with ADHD

Yes! It’s as complicated as it sounds. Instead of getting into the complexities, I’ll simply give you an idea how someone like me presents.

I’ve always been a loner. I just never used the term introvert until a few years ago. Being an introvert means I actually like being alone & being left alone until there is some mutual understanding between myself and any other party that we will be coming together for a specific thing. As far as being an empath, well, I have always known I was sensitive to other people’s presence but didn’t understand why this was & why I would feel drained after being around certain persons who presented with gossip or extensive persistent drama until I was introduced to the term empath & dove a little more into the meaning of the word. And well, ADHD explains behavior of hyperactivity in my brain and how I literally operate on a different clock from others & how for some that appears to bother other people. But my brain literally being in overdrive all the time cannot handle alot of nonsensical input. It just can’t. I am literally taking medication for the shit & I don’t mind sharing that I am medicated. I also consume cannibis for anxiety.

I’m not really sure how to format this so I’ll simply list my likes, dislikes & what I can and can’t tolerate I guess by bullet points. I think I will address ADHD 1st as this somewhat is the premise to exemplifying the other 2 characteristics. Having ADHD means my brain is pretty much in overdrive until I am sleep. I don’t have ADD, I have ADHD. Simply put, I am hyper with a hyperactive brain. As you can guess, this can be quite draining if you aren’t aware of your mental well being & understand your own coping strategies. I have also learned that because of how I am, I can modulate my behavior by understanding why I respond certain ways but I have also learned I have no choice but to let people know what I need from them to maintain good working relationships. Also, consider that folks with ADHD, ADD, or any other mental health condition similar to the aforementioned fall along the spectrum with autism (well, it’s still up for debate), so persons with these conditions are often triggered easily or get irritable very easily because of the constant stimulation of the brain function that does affect one’s behavior. Our behavior lies deeper than you just thinking we may be being “mean.” If anyone who is in my life cares for me enough, they will not only respect how I am, but may consider another person’s capability to deal with them as we don’t always know what is going on with another person, no matter how well you may think you know them. It’s good to ask people questions & respect their answers or requests. I began being medicated for this in late 2020. The constant chatter of the brain can leave us extremely irritable. So irritable to the point we shut down. The cool thing about this is that I get alot of my behavior from my mom, which isn’t a bad thing. As for my mom, we definitely understand each other, & for that, I am so grateful because I know at least there is one person on this planet who gets me…Well, Big Ivan understands as well. We share similar qualities, but due to his occupation, he has to be out front and out spoken. For now, I will stop here with the ADHD, because everything else that follows, you really need to pay close attention to if you know someone who exhibits what follows.

• I DO NOT like when folks OVER-XPLAIN their drama. I really don’t want to hear drama, UNLESS I have made space to listen & there’s an intention for me to provide input, which I have no problem offering if it is asked of me. But I can’t handle the repeated chaos. This is because not only is drama low vibration, but you are adding negative stimulation to an already over active brain. Allow me to make space for you first before you continue to bombard me with your goings on. At some point, you have to ask yourself, “How many times am I gonna bring this same conversation up with the same persons? KEY-if you have something going on, and you need someone to vent to, ask that person if they have the mental space and capacity to deal with whatever you about to say, because you don’t truly know what’s going on with that person who you about to lay your drama on.

• I have an EXTREME sensitivity to noise. Well, Jana, how on earth is that when you got 3 kids, a husband and 2 inlaws in your home along with 2 dogs and 2 cats? Well, it’s simple really. I have a sensitivity to noise because of all of the above! DUH! But space is made for them. These are my people. And even then, I don’t want to be bothered with the very people in my home sometimes. I know I ain’t the only parent who hides in their closet just for some peace so yall can miss me with the “she’s a bad mom” bit. Their noise is really all I care to tolerate. The sensitivity to noise stems from ADHD actually. I am currently taking steps RIGHT NOW to minimize unnecessary noise & create a Feng shui environment in my home (it’s a SLOW process, but nevertheless, steps are being taken.) One of them is no children’s toys are allowed in my bedroom. The children aren’t allowed to play in my room. We have a 5,000+sq.ft home & my only request from my family is that they leave my bedroom off limits to toys and roughhousing as each kid & adult literally has their own space in this house. My bedroom and theater room are the only places in my home where I prefer no rough housing, loud noises & unnecessary junk. There’s plenty of room for junk to go around in this house. Also, my husband has PTSD and TBI & a few other medical diagnosis, so his tolerance for noise is as bad as mine. Again, we prefer to modulate our environment with what we know we can tolerate & well, I can’t make it any plainer here. Also, one of the main reasons my clock has been completely opposite since covid really, because anything I am involved in, I can’t focus unless there is little to no noise. I’ve actually always been this way, but having kids has challenged this. So I choose to do anything that requires even a little concentration when the whole house is sleep. At first, my husband didn’t really understand this until he begin his therapy for his diagnoses & after I began my therapy & explained to him what I suspected all along. I just didn’t realize noise sensitivity can be a symptom of ADHD in addition to my being up during the sleeping hours of the world. Ivan also works with someone who has ADHD as well so he knows the symptoms are legit. KEY-Please consider that my life is very different from yours, even if you don’t “see” it. My over active brain is already challenged so please, take this into consideration with me. This is a first and last heads up.

• ADHD is the reason for my clock being a bit adjusted in comparison to the rest of the world. I literally don’t like trying to do things in the day that require a significant amount of concentration because I can’t focus. So I do most things while everyone is sleep-read, wash clothes, clean kitchen, put up clothes, study, etc… I used to get frustrated that I am like this. Then I grew pissed because people would tell me I need to get my clock regular. But whose to say that isn’t regular?? for me? I am not the only person who deals with this. I have found in most cases, this is indicative of being ADHD.

• This is an add on to the bullet above. I DO NOT TALK IN THE MORNINGS!!! One of my soul sisters posted a meme on fb a few months back & I couldn’t have agreed with her more! I have been married for 17years and my husband can tell you the last time I said “good morning” on a regular was maybe 10 years ago or more. When I am awake at the same time he is, he gets a wave, a tap on the butt or a touch on the shoulder as a good morning. I simply do not like speaking in the morning unless I have “PLANNED” to do so, like when I have to go to work. This is not to be taken personally. I don’t do being chatty in the morning. Morning time is for silence and absorbing the day the Lord has made. Let me do so in peace. if you think this is rude, that is your problem, not mine. Big Ivan although is more willing to speak in the mornings, really isn’t a morning person either, but him being active duty doesn’t leave him much room to not talk. He needs his space too. KEY-Don’t assume everyone is a morning person or folks like to talk in the morning. I am not everyone else.

• I may be a rather bubbly individual but I AM NOT “the life of the party” type person. Please don’t expect that of me.

• Oftentimes, my lack of speaking doesn’t mean anything bad against anyone. Typically, it simply means, I just don’t want to talk. If my responses are limited when we are conversing, it more than likely means I am done talking about whatever the topic is & I wish to leave the conversation.

• Don’t continue to ask me if I am busy if you see I’m busy, unless there’s an emergency. Having ADHD means I have a habit of being hyper focused when I have these types of episodes & if it appears I’m engaged in something, simply let me be until it appears I’m not busy, & even then, if you need me for anything, text me. When folks with ADHD have hyperfocus episodes, our concentration being broken will create frustration.

• If I have been exposed to a group of being around folks for an extended period of time, or a person who presents “draining”, it can take me days up to even a week to recover from that stimulus. If I disappear, it’s because I am needing space to recharge. This is definitely an empath trait. If you must check in or inform me of something, please text message me first. Most folks who know me do this anyway, but it bears repeating. KEY-80% of my day is spent in my room unless I leave the house or am cleaning or preparing a meal. This is my personal preference. Ask Big Ivan & my momma who just left from visiting. A good example- my mom just left from visiting for a week. I can’t explain the sadness I felt as she went back to Mobile. I devoted all of my time to her while she was here because she deserved it and still does & will forever deserve it. I have realized over the past few years I get much of how I am from her! So we understand each other very well.THANK GOD!! I know it will take me a few days to recover from her visit because much of my energy was devoted to restoring & continues to be devoted to our relationship & now that she is not here, she & I are both recovering. This is a positive thing. But if I am off the grid for a while and the need for my space to recover is ignored, the result will not be good. Please respect this.

• I actually am a great listener. I’ve always been told this, however, I must repeat this, as I am forced & actively continue to choose what I allow in my spirit. Self awareness is key here. I know what I can & can’t/won’t tolerate & I cannot deal with listening to the same drama over & over. I WILL BEGIN TO IGNORE YOU BC IT IS DRAINING ME! KEY- I don’t mind making space to be available to hear the concerns of those I care about, but please ask me if I have the space to continue to hear the same shit over and over again. 9 times out of 10, I don’t want to hear it anymore but I’m so damn nice because I haven’t fully learned how to say no or excuse myself from conversation, so I sit and listen knowing my battery is being depleted before your very eyes and you don’t even realize it. CONSIDER YOUR TOPIC OF DISCUSSION & ASK PEOPLE FIRST IF THEY WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON. THIS IS PROPER MENTAL HEALTH ETIQUETTE FOR OTHERS.

• Yall know that saying, just enough grace for the step i’m on? Well, its applicable here. I have enough grace & patience for those who are permanent in my life-my husband, kids, immediate family, & barely my in-laws (respect the honesty), definitely my soul sisters as they harbor many of the same traits I do, so we all know about maintaining personal boundaries. Many of the people in my circle actually have the same traits, so I don’t have to worry about them overstepping my boundaries, because 9 times out of 10, THEY HAVE THE SAME BOUNDARIES IN PLACE! I am very territorial and don’t like my space invaded/imposed upon anymore than I have allowed anyone to have. Accept the space I have allowed for you & please don’t try to impose yourself or others any further. My husband is the same way. We are both Geminis so the environment can be challenging as it is. Please respect this request & our boundaries. I have to constantly teach my children about personal space & etiquette. This is nothing personal until you move into our personal space. We will shut down and/or shut you down. We don’t like being this way because it leads to being unnecessarily drained when we shut down & then we are acting as if we are trying to avoid folks…because that is exactly what we are doing. Big Ivan is nicer than I am in this area. I still have MUCH room to grow. KEY- Be mindful of how you present to other people. Just because you are a certain way does not mean that other persons are the same. More often than not, I don’t mind if folks don’t speak to me. They probably have me figured out and know when to approach me. If you didn’t know before now, now you know.

• This is piggybacking off of the previous bullet-Just because I/we have allowed persons into our personal space does not automatically mean other persons are automatically invited. This is a huge NO-NO!! I don’t care who you are! At home, there are 7 people here. When I teach a class, I typically don’t stick around unless I’m needed. I haven’t gone to Mobile in 6 years because I know as soon as I go & make my presence known, I am going to be guilt tripped into visiting folks when I really just wanna relax. I literally have to prepare myself to deal with other people and I know I am not the only person who does this. And people who understand this won’t be offended. I have to mentally prepare myself DAILY to deal with my own self & my family. There is extra work and energy involved in preparing to deal with other folks. KEY- This is typically nothing personal towards anyone to be honest. Just about everything I do involves being around folks energetically & I have to respect this about myself so I can make sure I show up to others with the proper demeanor. This takes work for me. And sense I am more sensitive energetically to others than other people may be, I need my request for space to be respected.

• TALKING ON THE PHONE-Please don’t assume I’m free because I’m currently unemployed. I am a wife with 3 children, a college student, homeschooling, in a 300 hr yoga teacher training, & trying to figure out how to be a successful business owner serving my community. I do not have time for empty conversations unless I have made time for it, which is rare. And many phone conversations catch me off guard if they end up not being anything productive. Every single minute of my day is purposed, to include even doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when it’s warranted(SELF CARE). TEXT ME FIRST to relay any messages you need to unless it is of extreme importance or an absolute emergency. I barely have time for myself and my own folks. So please out of common courtesy, text me anything you wish to relay to me. Let me remind folks I have a 14 yr old, 7 yr old and 3 yr old. I am not super woman but I will turn into a super bitch real quick if I feel you think you are special or an exception to the rule. This applies across the board. KEY- I don’t know about other folks, but text me first before you call me…PERIOD.

I am thankful that most people who are in my circle understand these sentiments because they pretty much operate the same way. Also, since I know I am this way, I ensure the very things I ask of others, I reciprocate. It doesn’t matter who you are. I mean, I could be the very person someone else is trying to avoid. I mean, I know I can be a damn handful at times. I am keenly aware of this so it is only right that I respect others in the same manner I request what I consider respect for me and my boundaries. If I have a situation going on, I will ask & have asked other persons if they have the mental space for a topic of discussion. If they don’t, they will let me know & my feelings aren’t hurt because, for one, I asked & two, I don’t know what other folks got going on & it’s none of my business unless they make it so. Or if they make space for me, they prepare themselves first & hit me up when they are free to receive me. The value of that relationship grows exponentially when boundaries are known & respected. I’m real prideful when it comes my kids so me asking folks about involving my family in anything of someone else’s presence won’t happen unless it is offered for them. Over the past few years, my talking on the phone has diminished greatly. Just respect this. That’s it on that one. I literally have my own drama. I am VERY SPECIFIC with what I allow my spirit to absorb, especially if what you spitting is nonsense. And I am having to reinforce this actually. If you continue to come to me with the same thing over and over again & you’ve implemented no changes to your own situation, I can’t continue to allow you to keep pouring yourself into me because now I’m like, you just like the drama. I told my mom while she was here, there’s no reason we can’t simply be honest with folks about who we are. There is so much of me I get from my mom. The difference is she wasn’t able to recognize various coping mechanisms or strategies or knew how to implement boundaries because she is just a giving human being who would give without boundaries. We were all taught at some point in our lives to not give is to be selfish. However, many of us RARELY, applied this to ourselves. Boundaries are not selfish. My mom is having to learn this in her 60’s! I have seen how that has worked for her and well, I am learning from observation. This isn’t out of being mean. We are deciding to tell people how to respect our boundaries so please consider applying this to others who come across your path.

I am also an introvert. Also, being an introvert carries the many of the same characteristics as an empath or HSP(highly sensitive person). As I have tried to somewhat “research” these traits of mine, I find that ADHD and being introvert are very similar in nature. If you need assistance in trying to understand what being an introvert is, check this one link that sums me right on up

This was an unintended SELF-CARE post about boundaries. I try to make damn sure that everything I have listed I return in kind because we just never know where people are mentally and spiritually & we have to respect and be cognizant of this. If you care and respect who I am & then this should not offend you. Also, all of this should be quite clear so don’t ask me if this pertains to you personally. This is for anyone in my circle who may not know me fully & for future persons. This also goes for anyone who is reading this or even needs help trying to figure out a way to set their own boundaries. I am doing this because I have struggled all my life with not knowing how to set boundaries & it’s landed me in some uncomfortable positions. Just understand & respect the fact I am opening myself up in this way so you know how to deal with me accordingly or if you want to deal with me at all. You have a choice. And last but definitely not least, PLEASE consider that other people may have something going on that you may not be able to see, whether they are an introvert, empath or have a mental health condition. Please manage your expectations of me and others for that matter. Also, understand “No” is a complete sentence & none of us, to include anyone reading this, owe any explanations to others on how we respond to anything.