What MY "SELF-CARE" Looks Like-Part 2-POLE DANCING/FITNESS

Before I go any further, we know folks gone gossip if you doing bad, if you doing good. So I’ll just provide some goodies on a silver platter. There are alot of “I would’ve never seen myself doing …” moments; becoming a cycle instructor, a fitness instructor at all, a yoga instructor, an entrepreneur, having surgery for weight loss & now this. WORKING THAT POLE! So let me just get right on down to it.

Do yall know the arm & shoulder strength you gotta have?

A piece in part is already within my blog. You can go here to check it out! I’m sure many of you have heard of the Sacral Chakra or in Sanskrit, Svadihsthana-the 2nd Chakra located at the base of the lumbar area, associated color is orange, water is its element and it governs all things pertaining to emotions, relationships, feelings, sensuality, creativity, sexuality, pleasure, fantasies, well-being, nurturing, & intimacy. I have had self esteem/ confidence issues for damn near my whole life. And if you don’t understand this, then you won’t understand my journey. In 2020, I hit a bottom & really had to evaluate who the fuck am I? Where do all the insecurities I carry come from? How has who I have been affected past and current relationships(ANY)? And a plethora of other questions. It’s getting easier not to be concerned with what or how other people see me, especially if they aren’t serving any significant purpose in my life or supporting me in any way. So that actually forced me to dig deep within. And there are some things about myself while there are some things I shall still keep private, others parts of me I don’t mind sharing because, well, it’s LIFE! Everyone has a very different life experience and make choices for themselves as they see fit. This publishing is no different.

Ladies!!! You ever be in the gym with your music in your ears and you working it out getting healthy and a song comes on that makes you wanna “switch” your hips & just twerk or wanna start dancing sexy for your special person? (I know I’m not the only one with a ratchet play list). I used to imagine myself sexy dancing with some heels on, & pretending like I’m Beyonce in her video, “Dance For You”. Don’t act like it’s just me. I would have these daydreams often of not dancing or moving any kind of way for any specific person, but to just be able to express my sensuality and sexuality without being a hoe. I am in fact a very sensual, sexual feminine being, I just felt I was unable or didn’t have “permission” to express myself in a manner that expressed those qualities because of my size, my titles, etc. Then as I begin to grow deeper into yoga & learning about the subtle bodies within all of us, so much made sense pertaining to chakra balances & imbalances. In Sanskrit, Svadihsthana means “where your being is established.” Signs of an imbalanced sacral chakra can include: using escapism to avoid life(this was me), showing obsessive affection that isn’t return(definitely me) & engaging in inappropriate expressions of sexuality.

Me using the mirror to capture my journey and admire my newfound curves & appreciate and be grateful that I’m even able to do any of this!

In 2020, I just bottomed out. COVID just took me right on over. I didn’t care how I looked, how I dressed. how I ate, (hence the VSG). I felt disgusting & wanted not to be seen. Everything I wore was big in attempts to hide my size. I didn’t feel an ounce of femininity in my body. A bit over a year ago, I happened across this IG page of this thick woman dancing so effortlessly on the pole. I was like I wanna try that one day. But yall know with the “one day” mindset, typically it ends up not happening. FAST FORWARD, VSG, weight coming off, I’m beginning to feel lighter, not just physically but emotionally. FAST FORWARD, I sign up for the classes. Worst case scenario, I change my mind or waste my money because I don’t anticipate it to be something I could afford to keep up, for one, but two, in order to make any type of quality progress, I’d have to keep going like you do the gym. I’m good at not being consistent sometimes.
I walk into my first session with Tasha <<<( IG link)& now we’re here!

YUP! but this weight loss surgery won’t take this booty away tho!

So, let me hit you with a few highlights and bullet points to pole dancing. CORE! CORE! CORE! CORE!! Did I mention core? Good grief! Mad props to strippers and I mean that! I won’t get too technical here or start philosophizing, but in yoga we emphasize that we hold a great deal of our emotions in our shoulders and hips. Oftentimes during an asana practice, depending on the theme for the one who’s guiding the class, if there is heavy hip openers or opening of the shoulders, students may experience a shift in their emotions, a release if you will. An emotional release is normal in yoga if this ever happens. It’s a good thing because there is something within you that needed to surface and be released. So I’ll stop there with the how I am tying this not just to yoga but just personally overall. Clearly, in addition to increased use of the core, you have to really grip the pole(there’s products for not slipping and busting your ass), perform specific moves while holding the pole with your hands. I think the opening of the hips is kinda obvious being that it’s pole dancing so in addition to the aforementioned moves, there’s a good bit of body rolling, twerking, spilts, climbing(if you a dare devil). I tried climbing for the first time this past weekend!

My body has changed so rapidly. I have good days & ok days but still taking to the time to love what I see.

I stepped WAAAAAAYYYYY out of my comfort zone with deciding to take the class & actually return. I mean you wouldn’t dare catch me wearing NO TYPE of booty shorts anywhere in PUBLIC, ON PURPOSE!!! That alone was a huge ass hurdle. The shorts I wore to session when I had just begun were NOT SHORT ENOUGH! HA!
Tasha’s choreography allows for so much release! I don’t think I’ve told Tasha this, but I be feeling so much lighter after my sessions with her. My intention changed however when I begin pole fitness. I only at first tried it because I wanted to at least say I tried pole dancing! My intentions have surely evolved. Not only am I able to allow for a release of emotions through taking my sessions but she also has mirrors, which allows for you to watch yourself & practice the moves you are reviewing. For me, however, I get to do a little mirror work. I make it a mission to watch myself in the mirror and take pictures because not only am I proud of myself for the having the courage to have weight loss surgery, but as I am losing this weight, I promised myself I would love my body through this process, no matter what I look like. I am not where I want to be regarding my size, but I damn sure ain’t where I was before I had surgery. When I look in the mirror, I observe my curves, my lumps, bumps, cellulite, jiggle, stretch marks, fupa, everything. And I make a choice to love what I see. I couldn’t do this before. I haven’t explored why but, in the present, I look at my body everyday & choose to be kind to myself and thank my vessel for all it has supported me with. And what better way to show yourself love by dancing like nobody is looking ( or dancing for your special someone) while having the sole intention to love every single part of your body no matter what?

So, I’m sure some may ask, “well why she gotta be showing her ass or show everybody she on a pole? Why she got them short ass shorts on? Ain’t she married? Why she gotta be doing all of that to feel sexy or help improve her self esteem?” And the answer to all of those questions and any additional ones that have the tone of judgement or that you appear to be disapproving of MY LIFE JOURNEY are….BECAUSE I CAN! If you don’t approve, you don’t really matter anyway. Folks who know me and my background and being raised in the south & familial conditioning around food and health in addition to societal impressions and conditioning while being a BLACK WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY, should without any hesitation understand that black women have to work extra hard to preserve ALL OF WHO WE ARE. My journey has taken me down this particular path & I am so damn grateful for the experiences I am having and the people I get to meet. This is MY process on how I am working on my own self esteem and building my own confidence. And at the present, this pole is part of my journey. It is not anyone’s else’s job BUT MINE, to become the highest version of myself. It is not my husband’s responsibility, nor any of my friends, or family or anyone else to get me to where I am going. I can either do the work & embrace all of who I know I am and am to become or I could sit shriveled up in a corner afraid of what the world gone say about me. I’m already hip to the game. I'm gone be talked about because of pole. I’m talked about because I practice Buddhism. Oh! GOD! The bullshit folks said, the sly Facebook remarks & the flack people tried to give me about having weight loss surgery(publishing coming in soon), after having to feel like I had to hide my surgery bc folks say you cheating to lose weight, blah blah blah & experiencing who was supposed to be my number 1 fan actually express their true feelings about my WLS, I decided I can no longer depend on external validation from ANYBODY! I am having to learn to become strong in a way I have not done before EVER, IN MY LIFE and I don’t expect anyone to understand and your approval isn’t necessary anyway. When I have no one else in my corner for one reason or another & it has & will happen again, I have to have enough within me to move forward and grow regardless.

I feel beautiful. I feel sexy. I feel alive! AND IT’S FUN!!!! (I’ve been called a prude by the unexpected). I be sore the next damn day but let’s not get distracted here. Tasha creates a space for you to explore your sensuality and sexuality & I am so thankful that I found her and am grateful for the environment she creates for me & everyone else she coaches, to use as I use it. It’s a damn workout yall. Her lessons are private but she offers semi private sessions and they have COMPETITIONS!! The extra stuff I be learning! Competition for POLE DANCING?!??! I don’t anticipate going that far, but I never intended to become any of the other titles I carry either. One day at a time. This indeed is one of my measures of “SELF” care. Self-care is an INSIDE job. This is work that no one is responsible for but me & me alone. While it’s beautiful to have support & people in your corner during various stages in one’s life, there will be a road( or many roads) you & only you have to walk alone. So, I’ve sprinkled some pictures, gif & a short clip in here for your viewing pleasure. Yall know what’s funny? When I begin to learn how to grip the pole with my legs/thighs, Tasha made the statement that thick thighs grip the pole better. I think that was the only moment I truly questioned my recent surgery! LMAO Like the saying I be seeing, “THICK THIGHS SAVE LIVES!”