Yoga, Self Love, Self Acceptance, Body Positivity & Sensuality
WOW! I finally made it over to this side to actually blog my yoga journey. August 2021. There is so much to capture & at the same time, I feel like maybe not so much. I still consider my yoga journey somewhat young but I have had some progress in my life that I can largely attribute to yoga. The title of this publishing ranks in order the priority of my journey, I suppose, however if I work backwards, that’ll be a great place to start to tell my own story. So, just so you know, there may be little chronological order here.
I have recently tapped into a new hobby, so to speak. Pole Dancing/Fitness. YUP! You heard that right! LOL I will now back off that topic, but I will say this. Yoga has given me permission to unapologetically dive head first into my femininity, my sensuality, my sexuality. I bet you are like, “WTF?” LOL I get it. We’ll get there. I’ll try to be quick and dirty with the chronological aspect and get straight to the sensuality.
Yoga, having been introduced to me by way of my dad, originally, gave me an awareness of my body I had not once had before. Yoga gave me permission to slow down and observe self…and boy the journey has been interesting. In being able to slow down, in just about every aspect of my life, I came to realize I was unhappy in my own skin. Or should I say, I loved myself, but with conditions. I accepted myself, but with conditions. This left no room for embracing my sensuality, or loving and accepting myself wholly, no matter what. I loved & accepted my body, but only if it was a certain size. If I got to a certain size(having a large body for my height), I didn’t feel being sensual was a privilege to have access to. The sentence before, I didn’t realize I had engaged in this type of thought process until around May of this year. Amidst a good bit of drama after having my surgery in April of this year(VSG), it was in the midst of chaos I had this epiphany! I am deserving of all desire to have. Don’t worry. I don’t desire nothing crazy. I do deserve love. I deserve to be at peace with myself, my life, my body.
Society has conditioned us with all these horrendous stereotypes about larger bodies. Society has truly done a disservice to black bodies and overweight black bodies, overweight black FEMALE bodies. And well, I have my own journey to walk, & I am learning to truly not give a fuck if anyone finds it approving or not. The only person who lives in my body is me. I cant attest for how other people move through their life regarding self love, self acceptance, body positivity and sensuality. For so long I never felt I was worthy to be loved unless I looked a certain way or forcing myself to look or be a certain way out of fear of not being loved. Then, I reached another level in my journey of it all. So this is where I make a big ass, dont make no sense jump and get to what Im attempting to say, but with a post I made a while back on my fb page.
“Well....I feel like I should give all the disclaimers. This is MY body journey. ok...so this is my getting back on my mat as fully as I can after 6 week medical restriction( a whole nother story for another day). I have struggled with weight and body positivity image, self acceptance and self love for a long ass time. Whenever I was consistently in the gym & I was at a healthy size, I felt so good about myself. As life has gone on & now having 3 kids, although laid off, work life had me in overdrive that I had no time for myself, it had/has gotten so hard to feel good about myself & my size. I know my story sounds familiar to some...avoiding pictures, not taking full body shots, disdain for mirrors. Then when I began my own yoga journey, it allowed me to appreciate my body and its abilities. I wasn't ( and still am not) fully where I want to be as far as my confidence but its gotten better. The more I practiced and wasn't distracted & allowed my body to move on its own or intuitively, I found my own rhythm. Then I began to question is this right or wrong? But I began to appreciate my body more. I began to honor my femininity & the fact that I am a vessel that actually brings forth LIFE! And just because my body has gotten me through bearing children & surgeries & sometimes self inflicted neglect & that I am strong, in spite of it all, doesn't mean that just bc I am not where I want to be that I can't appreciate where I am now. it doesn't mean I can't indulge in my sensual side. A side I didn't feel worthy of because of having food addiction and allowing myself to get to a size I was not approving of. My movements during my practice almost became effortless, without thought. And it felt GOOD!!! For now, this is my expression of how I honor myself & the creator for giving me the strength& will to still dig deep for self love. Yup! Even at 38. Yeah, it doesn't look like your traditional yoga but I am doing what feels good in my body. I am growing in accepting who & how I am and that is the essence of SANTOSHA. I had & still do have anxiety about my body. But on my mat, if only for a little while, as I move as my body tells me, the anxiety disappears, I feel whole. I feel free. I feel empowered. I feel joy. I feel at peace in my own skin.
(YES I'M CLOTHED)”
Enjoy!!