Beautiful Chaos-2020
Covid anxiety, election anxiety, employment anxiety, BLM anxiety, additional health anxiety….and even in it all, the glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, all things chaotically falling apart to be masterfully and being beautifully whole again.
COVID pandemic, school shutdowns, virtual schooling for 2 kids, one daughter deciding to cut her hair because it was getting in her way, 2 new vehicles purchased, employment insecurity, from wanting to save the world to simply maintaining my own world, completion of a 200hr YTT & 5 additional specific yoga trainings, my Janiva learning how to walk with the assistance of PT, me getting an IUD just before covid shut things down because there will be no covid babies here, getting my business to slightly hover off the ground, (soft launch late spring/early summer), completely jacked up circadian rhythm(DUE TO—->), grappling with my new diagnosis of being ADHD, starting therapy (this will be a fun topic coming soon), thwarting off 2 blood transfusion & receiving iron infusions, formally becoming a Buddhist practitioner, lots of lazy days, and long nights with no curfews, another historic presidential election, fear, general uncertainty, yet peace and perseverance, more time alone & self reflection than one could possibly thought they would have & so many more out of the ordinary occurrences can’t even begin to sum up 2020. (this run-on sentence was ON PURPOSE & could be much worse)
These topics listed above may sound very similar (or absolutely nothing like it at all)to millions of others across the nation and around the globe. 100 years ago, the world was turned upside due to the Spanish Flu pandemic and now here we are grappling with another pandemic a century later! There is no need for me to get into the obismal mismanagement of this virus. To date- over 400,000+ lives have been lost, and over 24 million cases & rising are here in the United States. I have so many opinions on COVID. To list a few, I cannot fathom how ANYONE really believes this virus does not exist or that they or someone they know & love can’t be affected by this. In my opinion, when the shut down occurred, by the time it was known people’s livelihoods would be affected, people and businesses should’ve been paid to stay home so that livelihoods wouldn’t have been so negatively impacted any further. I’m all for UBI (universal basic income). The fear is real and ever present pertaining to shelter & food security. People who have never had to rely on government aid, or food pantries are simply struggling day to day to provide for themselves and their families.
5 adults, 3 children, 2 cats, a dog and a partridge in a pear tree all reside here under one roof. Sounds like a bit much, huh? It’s actually not so bad. The beauty in this is we have a large enough home where everyone can literally be in their respective corners of the home, giving everyone their needed space(the very reason we had our home built the size we did). Now what people may see as chaos to them is an unusual beautiful reminder everyday that I am so so blessed! I want to make mention of this first! Our children are impacted by this just as much as adults are if not moreso. Lemme just be the 1st to say with 3 kids, shit is far from routine and ordinary around here! I am a complete night owl so my sleep clock is the most jacked up(I’ve literally always been this way)& I’m learning having ADHD plays a major role in this. Actually, I’ve come to learn that ALOT of my behavior is due to ADHD.(not sure how I should feel about that at this time)Thank God Ivan is the early bird of us. Although he’s active duty military, he has been blessed with the ability to be home majority of the time until the beginning of the year. He was allowed to stay home with our children when schools shut down while I worked. And I can’t forget to mention the infamous quarantine pounds!( And I literally can’t wait to reveal this journey-all in due time)
2020 was the year of unanticipated creativity! From observing how people run their yoga businesses virtually to socially distanced birthday parties, to virtual schooling and so much more. I feel so bad for my kiddos because I literally can count on both hands how much they’ve gone anywhere & those events were purely out of necessity…well visits for the kids, attempting to see how much work it would be to simply go to the store & have them out in the community amongst covid( which I won’t do again), or loading them up in the vehicle to simply ride around the neighborhood because they haven’t been anywhere in MONTHS!!!! I don’t care how folks view this. My husband & I put ourselves at enough risk when we have to leave our home. I be damned if i add to that anxiety filled event, with taking my kids anywhere because that’s what it feels like every time I have to leave the house- an event.
Coming to terms that I don’t have to pretend to nobody has been a forced lesson on me. I found myself always pissed, as I was unintentionally comparing myself with others & with trying to keep my home clean. 24 hrs after our cleaning lady would leave, it would be as if she wasn’t even here! However, all in all, my home is truly my place of peace. All 5000sq.ft of it. An ex friend used to throw shade my way about my having younger children & how I have to have my home a certain way & how I can’t do certain things because of having younger kiddos. When I realized from whom this was coming from & their background and desires & insecurities regarding their own family, I realized this was coming from a place of envy( a whole ‘nother blog), in addition to the fact that my house will probably never stay my idea of “clean” because my home is LIVED IN! And I have simply made peace with this. My home may not look like how I envisioned but I am still all the blessed & when I think of how bad things could be, I’m more than grateful for my messy home. An OH!!!!! the beautiful chaotic noise I have come to adore-no matter how many times I yell for my kids to be quiet throughout the day. Antoinette and Janiva fighting over Antoinette’s school tablet, Ivan & Antoinette arguing because Ivan doesn’t want Antoinette in his room. Lil Ivan keeping Janiva occupied for me( she loves her big brother as he’s like the back up when Janiva can’t have access to Big Ivan) whenever I’m having a meeting or engaging in something that involves not having the kids swinging from chandeliers in the background. I can honestly say that even though my husband & I are ready for these kids to get the hell up outta here so we can get back to normal, I know I will miss this level of intimacy and interaction with my family. I have even made GREAT strides with my inlaws!! ehem——GROWTH for me! 2020 has definitely been a year not to forget. I learned so much about my children, my husband, & most importantly, MYSELF! I mean no matter how chaotic most days can seem to be, there is a beauty in all of us sharing this space ….ALL THE TIME!!!
I would like to add that I had the WORST case of PICA-eating “non-nutritional” foods(ICE).
On the health side of life, I have been to the doctor more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years! Beautiful example of the butterfly effect here- I am beginning a rather significant health journey, one of which required a full body work up to include blood work. Well, it turns out, my anemia was ummmm…critical to say the least. I had this issue at the end of 2019, beginning of 2020. I was prompted to immediately have 1 of 3 fibroids removed because I was simply loosing more blood faster than my body could replenish during my cycles and while I was there, it was planned that I have an IUD put in place. My monthly was leaving me extremely anemic. After having the IUD in place, as the months tarried on, there were literally no changes in my “flow”, but I didn’t think much of the fact that my anemia was worsening. Well, in Nov 2020, it had indeed gotten worse-blood transfusion worse. Thank God for medical advances. I managed to avoid blood transfusion #2 & received 2 iron infusions over 2 weeks. It was at first assumed I had a blood disorder. My December was challenging because I didn’t know what was specifically wrong with me until the 30th of Dec. My anxiety and ADHD went into overdrive & my life flashed before my eyes every single day until I met with my hematologist. As I continue under the watch of my hematologist, I am considering my options regarding how I move forward. I had the absolute worst case of PICA as noted above in the photo. For most who understand, anemic individuals are extremely sensitive to cold. My eating ice at the rate I was, was feeding into a horrible cycle of constantly being cold because eating that ice became damn near addictive! It was like no matter how cold I was, I couldn’t stop eating the ice. My dentist would not be pleased right now. I am glad to report after those infusions, my eating ice is pretty much nonexistent…just like that. Many of the horrible symptoms I was experiencing had indeed subsided & I am to follow up with additional bloodwork soon. I am avoiding a hysterectomy in any way I can. I’ve researched various avenues that are a lot less invasive but I will have to do more than this IUD. The work of a woman never ceases. The returning to all of the above, I would’ve never known how critical my blood levels were if it weren't for my beginning the initial process of something completely unrelated to my anemia affected by my womb.
I would be remiss if I did not mention that the level of time spent alone with myself that has literally made me evaluate my whole damn life! If you are familiar with the phrase “shadow work”, the climax of this work has occurred with the hopes stabilization is taking place. However, I assume facing such a thing can be more of a roller coaster ride if not kept in some sort of check & you aren’t doing inner work as needed. Let me tell you…when you are forced to sit with yourself & you become aware that you purposely find things to do, because you don’t know how to sit with yourself, because you don’t wanna deal with “self” issues, and then you run outta shit to do trying to avoid sitting with yourself, well……I decided to quit fighting & resisting. Reflecting on past & current relationships, finally making sense of why I am the way I am. Understanding WHO I AM. For the past 3 years with my shadow work hitting its peak in the latter part of 2020, I passed through the bitter stage, to the IDGAF stage, to the “why me” stage, to the “ok universe, I get it now” stage, to the awareness and acceptance stage, to the healing stage-which is literally an ongoing process with actual interventions I might add! If you wanna check out those past parts of my life & the reflecting I’ve had to do regarding this infamous shadow work, simply look for the “Letting Go & Moving On” post & the “green rose”. For the past 3 years, I have gone through several stages of molting, progressing to my cocoon being made, as I was being prepared to morph, & shift. (this blog is part of the ongoing metamorphosis which I’ve grown to be ok with sharing as I have been embarrassed about so much for such a long time)
However, with elevated caution and trepidation, I am silently excited about 2021 & what is to come, but more importantly, WHO I am becoming. I do anticipate I’ll be shedding my cocoon.
BLACK LIVES MATTER hit very different in 2020. 8minutes and 46secs was what it took to ignite BLM movement across the globe! The anxiety of being black and having black children on top of all listed above has been the heaviest burden to date. I would like to think maybe, just maybe our white counterparts are becoming more willingly aware of our anger & frustration& that we need people outside of our own community to combat the unjust police brutality and killings of our black brothers and sisters. I cannot name them all, but I can’t complete this publishing without saying the most recent names… say them with me…
Rayshard Brooks, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Casey Goodson, Ahmaud Arbery. May they rest in peace and God comfort and heal their families.
Also, regardless of status, my family used to reside in Killeen, TX, home of Ft Hood, TX where countless deaths of soldiers have been occurring unjustly. As a military family, this is quite unsettling. Since January, there have been 28 deaths, to include 5 homicides and 8 suicides. One of the most horrific stories are of U.S. Army Spc. Vanessa Guillén, who was killed, dismembered, set on fire and buried in a shallow grave as her killers attempted to hide her body. One of her killers committed suicide. Another unfortunate needless death was of Spc. Enrique Roman-Martinez’s. He was located at Ft Bragg in North Carolina, however, the cause of his death remains undetermined since only his head was found for examination as he was decapitated. May their souls R.I.P. & may God comfort & heal their families.
Then we had some very iconic persons die this year. Deaths of Kobe Bryant & his daughter GiGi Bryant, Lil Richard, Chadwick Boseman, aka Black Panther, Tommy “Tiny” Lister, aka…DEEBO, Betty Wright, Civil Rights Activist, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg aka…RBG, Representative John Lewis, Sean Connery, Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and countless more plus all the unnecessary lives lost due to COVID-19. May their memories be a blessing.
Australia Bushfires 2020- Regrowth after the fires
Australia Bushfires 2020-Regrowth after the fires
It is my ever fervent prayer that out of all this dysfunction, chaos, confusion, heartache, pain, & anger that something beautiful can emerge. That maybe we have a grown appreciation for life, those we love, our freedoms, our peace, our neighbors and fellow man. I pray that we have grown in empathy & sympathy, that we aren’t so quick to judgement & anger, that we force ourselves moments to pause before reacting. I pray that we have an increased appreciation for nature & those that dwell in it. This chaos that we have endured in 2020 cannot be all for nought. I am not naive, but there will always be that mustard seed of faith & hope that I will always have for humanity that we can do better when it comes to caring for our fellow man, our neighbors, calling out injustices when they happen & not being a passerby. May out of the chaos many have endured this year be a most beautiful return to abundance of the many blessings awaiting us on the other side. May our renewal be birthed just like after scorched earth has been burned and the life of the lands revive greener than ever before. Out of the ashes and chaos may beauty arise once again.
#evolutionalways