My Sister's Keeper-How Mother/Daughter Relationships can Impact Sisterhood-Part 1 of 2
Antoinette & Janiva-My 2 daughters. To be honest, I never thought I would have any girls. I have my son who is now 13! YIKES!! I HAVE A TEENAGER! I never thought I would have more than 1 child and with my history of pregnancies and the loss of my son, Antonio, in 2012, I didn’t think it was meant to be. After moving to Maryland in 2013, having newly graduated from college, getting a new job, changing of scenery, Ivan & I found out in January, 2014, we’d be growing our family from 3 to 4! We found out we were having a girl and once she arrived in only the way a Virgo would, (that’s a whole separate post), I knew we were complete!
Having a daughter gave me a sense of wanting to create something that I never had the chance to experience…having a sister! But clearly I knew I couldn’t be my child’s “friend”, but somehow, I wanted to create a relationship that I so longed for. I had spent many years trying to find ways to connect with other women in attempts to develop sister like relationships and it was only just over a year ago I had to come to terms with my approach, that in the end weren’t quite productive(down right disastrous actually).
In the meantime, after having gone through a breakdown of the relationship with my own mother & her moving back to Mobile in 2017, I had fell into a bout of depression as this was uncharted territory. During the holiday season to bring myself out of that dark space I was in, I muscled up enough energy to attend a Christmas party. Afterwards, my husband & I had some after Christmas party “fun”. On January 6,2018, I felt …off. I was getting winded extremely easily when going up the stairs in our home. My mouth had this metallic taste for days. Although my cycle had not been quite regular for months, it was indeed late. After having team taught a cycling class on that Saturday morning, something guided me to the store to get a pregnancy test. I purchased it in secret as my son was with me and I didn’t feel like answering any “what’s that mommy” questions. Once I got home, I took the test in secret without telling my husband. I pissed on that stick and my life was changed…yet again!
How on earth can this be?! I was immediately struck with excitement, fear and grief all at the same time. Fast forward to week 10 in my pregnancy, I was offered to take a blood test to know the sex of my baby. Now this may sound odd, but I was hoping it was another boy. My son had oddly enough been asking for a brother. And I was kinda partial to that. It had been me and him for so long due to the multiple deployments of my husband, I wanted him to have that type of connection outside of me.
2 days old in the NICU. My 3lb munchkin
Life is so funny. As the new year had turned for 2018, my husband and I had planned to begin purging our home. And one of the many things I was ready to get rid of was baby clothes. We had kept so much stuff from Lil Ivan & Antoinette. I was getting so overwhelmed with just STUFF being the house. It just so happens I had began packing up baby clothes in boxes to haul them off to the goodwill. Low & behold I found out I was expecting days before I had planned to drop all I had off. I was like well, Okaaayyy…now that I am know I’m pregnant, I guess I need to hold on to this stuff until I find out what I’m having. And what do you know?! It was indeed another little diva. I had managed to be able to utilize every single thing from Antoinette! PASS ME DOWNS!!
I have stated this I believe on multiple occasions but it bares repeating…I whole-heartedly believe ALL things happen for a reason. Things in my life have been so orchestrated, it’s as if I can pin point the pivotal shifts at each major transition in my life. I’m gonna be transparent here. My husband & I were not prepare financially for another child. I mean NOT AT ALL!!! I was absolutely horrified to be honest. Why on earth would God allow us to have another child when it was clear that we weren’t prepared?! Add on the constant reflection of losing my son in 2012 & not having any maternal support during such a momentous and beautiful time in one’s life and the emotional hormonal roller coaster, it got to be a bit too much to bare. I must say though, during this pregnancy, the lack of maternal support gave me much time to reflect.
BACKSTORY(FLUTTER OF BUTTERFLY WINGS) Oftentimes, people have role models or observe other people’s lives and want to recreate or emulate something they see from others. For me, this was NOT the case. I was in the middle of experiencing what I did not want my daughters to ever experience. I have prayed and vowed to never ever say anything to my children that would make them feel like they are a burden or lie on them to make myself appear to be a victim or have them feel as if I have abandoned them. I had gone through all of the aforementioned events literally 3-4 months prior to my mom’s departure to return back to Mobile & the feelings I experienced aren’t anything I’d ever wish on anyone. I also carried guilt within because as much as I tried to make things better with my mother, she had clearly made her choice with some additional persuasion & I had no one I could reach out to that was even remotely a mother figure type in my life to attempt to fill the void I was experiencing. In my mind & heart, I wanted to recreate or build the relationship with my mother that I didn’t realize I didn’t even have when I was younger. I wanted it so bad, I was willing to concede to whatever falsehoods & derogatory things she had spoken about me to my face and behind my back to people I knew (that I had to face after she had long gone).
I am one of those people, just because things may get rough in ANY relationship, I don’t run. I stand and fight if I feel it’s worth fighting for! And well…It’s my mom we’re talking about here! So I felt I had to accept the dirt because, it was my mom! Yall know that toxic guilt trip line, “you know you only got 1 momma” or “you only got one family”. It is a hard lesson to learn that toxic is toxic no matter who someone is to you. People do not have automatic permission to shit on you just because of who they are to you. I also understand MANY will not agree with the last statement and well…. we can agree to disagree. I just wanted my mom to stay with me & not give up on us, not give up on me because of hitting a rough patch. I was left to take care of home & 2 children in addition to Ivan’s mom and brother residing with us, which posed a completely different challenge, in addition to dealing with Ivan being stationed in Korea for a year….AGAIN!(Deployment #5 for us)
I had developed this unhealthy thought pattern above, with regards to my children, for fear of my ever needing help from ANYONE would be thrown in my face. “REMEMBER WHEN I HELPED YOU…?-What you fear has a way of finding you. Which is why I hardly ever did girls night out or date nights. I had witnessed & been a part of how people can throw things in your face & I just didn’t want to deal with that.
It was at this point I felt like a lost little girl. I had no close, in person female friends I felt safe enough to dump this on any more than I already had, & not having any sisters to confide in or a shoulder to cry on left me in a dark place. I had no release. Again this is my mother, my only mother. And after all that damage was done, telling people I see on a regular that I kicked her out of my home and that I was using her & making her take care of my children & other gut wrenching falsehoods, she left MD without even saying goodbye to my children or me. At this point, it wasn’t about me anymore, but with the behavior I had witnessed, she had made it extremely clear on multiple occasions, that although it sounded good to say to people, “I’m living with my daughter to help her with her kids while Ivan is deployed” our interactions were far from that picture perfect statement. My children witnessed something I can’t erase from their memory. That’s what lead to my experiencing fear when I found out I was expecting another girl! However, I was so so grateful for the people who truly know me who knew that the lies told about me were absolutely inaccurate. Going through what I went through, hearing my mom make unpleasant statements regarding me and my children while still being extremely careful about asking her to assist me with my children in ANY way were a nightmare that came to pass & my reality.
I needed my mother. As a daughter who wanted to have my mom come live with us indefinitely to enjoy the rest of her years with her daughter & grandchildren, was simply way too lofty of a vision. I had longed for that with my mom. I knew I was trying to recreate what I felt was missing from when I was a child. We were never really “close” with regards to having a mother/daughter relationship in my childhood years . And as I had gotten older, I never really realized or understood how much our relationship lacked depth. Time passed and I begin to understand why, which is why I was desperate to want so much for my mom to stay with me.
It was here a family member, who has been holding my hand through my treacherous ordeal that I was given the perspective that parents love their sons while they raise their daughters. It was/is beginning to all make sense! It was here I was ever so thankful that I had a family member who actually was able to call out her observations of something specific I had felt for so long but was too ashamed to acknowledge with regards to comparing the relationship my mom and brother had/have with the relationship I had/have with my mom.
At such a crucial moment in my life, when I needed my mother the most, I was literally abandoned. During this visceral time, I literally felt like I was losing it because I had never experienced this level of friction or chaos with my mother! Often times people tend to say things that usually they wish they could take back. For me, typically if I say anything within the confines of an argument, I really try to refrain from speaking when angry, because I can be cut throat. However, there is something I said to my mother, that I meant with my entire being when I said it, and she felt offended by it. It was present truth & it was this… “I pray I never do my daughters the way you’ve done me. You have shown me exactly what to do and what NOT to do & how NOT TO BE.” I am aware of how my mom is & now realizing our interactions are the results of her relationships with her own sisters and late mother. I don’t want to look back, & hind sight 20/20 realize I traumatized my daughters or my son by behavior I was aware of that could’ve been prevented. I needed to go through this and learn this lesson now so that I make decisions accordingly regarding all my babies. I never assumed that possibly how she maneuvered her relationships with her siblings would bleed into our mother/daughter relationship. It is here I reflect back over my mom’s interactions with her sisters & realize I do not ever want my daughters to experience what I observed & no matter who I may need to enlist for assistance, I need my daughters to know there is nothing that should come between them two so much that they should go years without speaking or hold grudges for DECADES!(I am only referring to my mother at this point) You heard right! The relationship with my mother ties directly to how I am to ensure I raise my daughters. I have to do better, be better. I don’t want to continue toxic traits. I don’t want them at 60-70 years of age to realize so much time was wasted over nonsense.
I needed to lay out the previous backstory for when I found out I was having another daughter to express the fear I felt, because of the transition I had just gone through months prior with my own mother. I don’t ever want my daughters to feel they are a burden & I need them to understand the beauty of their relationship. I want to make sure that no matter what rough roads they may face when they get older, if they need me, I want them to know that, NO MATTER WHAT, they can reach out to me and know without hesitation or reluctancy, I’ll be there for them, unconditionally….PERIOD! ( Part 2 October 2)